Twenty-thirteen was supposed to be the year all the seeds I planted come into fruition. I had a decent start at the freelance game last year; this year was supposed to take that to whole new heights. The guy’s department, though still crazy, was nonetheless pretty eventful in 2012; this year was supposed to set things right. Even in travel, last year was awesome, leaving me wanting only to up the ante. 

Come the real 2013 though, and I’m not really sure where I stand. The two latter areas are pretty interesting and oh my-God-exciting respectively, but the former, not so much. Problem is, work is so crucial to the progress of the other two, because it’s what allows me to actually go out and it keeps me balanced.

The reason I did so well last year was because I found what I thought was the perfect bread and butter: a client whose style I liked, whose work ethic was upstanding, and who paid consistently and on time. But then something unfortunate hit them early this year, and by the looks of things, their business is getting affected too. After two months and several hundred dollars, still no word.  

The money I counted on to get me all these things is suddenly nonexistent, and I’m left reeling. I know it was wrong of me to “count the chickens before the eggs hatched”, but after almost a year of working with them, this happening just never occurred to me. So now I’m suddenly scrambling to earn the ghost amount before dues come knocking (I’m never gonna make it of course, realistically speaking.), while at the back of my mind I’m hating myself for allowing myself to get so entangled (I planned 3 major trips for May, you see.). Otherwise, come June I would be as broke as my flip flops. 

Right now I’m just trying to think of it as a butterfly in a cocoon. A butterfly needs to go through the arduous process of emerging on its own from the chrysalis. If you aid it in any way, like if you cut the cocoon open, or you somehow ease it out, the butterfly becomes deformed or injured. Thus, for me to actually “bloom”, and for this year to be as fruitful as I can make it, I have to go through this difficult, constricting, testing, chrysalis stage so that I can emerge on the other end as a butterfly. (FLOWER POWER! HAHAHA). Meanwhile, I just need to be zen about it and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

You know how I like sharing my desktop backgrounds right? Right. :))Here’s my latest. I got the pic from Observando’s tumblr and just had to be able to see it all the time. 

Can’t wait to start the journey. <3

There’s a saying that goes something like this: An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back, it means that it’s going to launch you into something great.

This pretty much sums up April for me. I just finished a two-month long project and am currently prepping myself for freelance work again. I’m waiting for older projects to get settled so I can get paid. I’m in the midst of planning various trips. Even the guys department is currently in a very grey area. I’m in limbo. And in limbo, there isn’t a lot to do but wait.

What’s really agitating me is how I have so little control on the matter. I can’t make prospective clients approve me within the hour. I can’t make old clients pay me this very minute. I can’t make May come tomorrow. And I definitely can’t decide on anything guy related with the bat of an eyelash. Everything is up to the other party, and I’m just here sitting, waiting for the next move. 

I’m just hoping that this is God/The Universe telling me to take it slow for now, because once everything settles, and May kicks in, the whirlwind will pick up again - ten times over. 

And I am really, really looking forward to it. :)

When nicotine fades from my veins
and the dying cigarette
becomes
dead gray pools of ash
that fly into space
I wonder, what becomes of them
I wonder what became of you
I wonder why you have to be
in everything i see

When music dies from the ivory
sitting in the stillness
and the last note 
echoes the silence
ringing in my head
I wonder, what becomes of them
I wonder what became of you
I wonder why you have to be
in everything i hear

When the last leaves of spring
finally sink onto the soil
and the summer season fades
Then autumn scents explode
with every breath i take
I wonder, what becomes of them
I wonder what became of you
I wonder why you have to be
in everything i smell

When the cold porcelain breaks
and the silk sheets burn
leaving coarse trails
of coldness and warmth
their soothing touch
mere lingering sensations
I wonder, what becomes of them
I wonder what became of you
I wonder why you have to be
in everything i touch

When the last sip of wine
cascades through my tongue
The intoxicating aftertaste
pulls me in for more
until no vintage is spared
I wonder, what becomes of them
I wonder what became of you
I wonder why you have to be
in everything i taste

When all is said and done
and memories transform
into dark shadows
clawing in the dark
I can’t help but wonder
What has become of you?
What will become of me?
I wonder why you have to be
the very air i breathe 

Another one for posterity. Wrote this waaay back in 2008. I’m transferring it here from my old Livejournal as part of my blog centralization process. I’m also getting paranoid, since I haven’t opened my LJ account in a while, that it might just get deleted or something. :)) Anyway, here goes, still one of my favorite poems I’ve written; probably also one of the more coherent. I’m also slowly starting to relate to it again, for some reason. Hmm..

Aaaaaand here’s another new look for this blog! :)) It’s not actually new, I just brought it back from almost exactly a year ago. It’s the perkier cousin of my last theme. The only reason I’m changing it again (besides my semi-annual theme itch) is because I’m actually planning to rehash this blog. It’s been too filled-up with reblogs of late, and I feel like it’s losing “me”. A lot of stuff has also been going down and I feel the need for a proper outlet. Thus in an attempt to centralize the content and the overall mood of this blog, I’m starting with this new face. 

I also tweaked the links up top. I created a dedicated page for all the photos, just so it’s easier to browse through. I’m probably going to do the same for all the other categories I have so far. It’s all about decluttering with me these days. 

Hope you guys enjoy this new look too. It’s definitely motivating me to keep filling it up!

I would like to take this time to peddle myself. :)) I’m finally loading up my Behance site for freelancing purposes. There’s still a lot of work needed to be put in, but hey, at least it’s not empty anymore! Hihi.

Do check it out! And add me up, if you have Behance yourself. You never know where business might be coming from after all. *wink wink*

Filipino has a separate word for each of these definitions.

1. Pag-ibig

2. Pagmamahal

3. Pagnanasa, Libog (?!? hahaha)

4. Sinta, Irog, Liyag

This kind of amazes me for a couple of reasons. You know what they say that a language is rich in words its culture is rich in? Like how the Westerners have the word “rice”, and Easterners have a thousand variations for it; or how they have so many terms for “snow”, while we don’t have a single direct translation. I think it’s just telling of the Filipino people that we have such specific and definite words for “love”. It shows how immersed in it we are, and how big a part it plays in our culture.

It also proves what an expressive and evocative language Filipino is. Its words are so succinct, phonetically and semantically; the sound expresses the meaning and vise versa. It’s kinda sad that it’s so under-appreciated, and that people would rather become fluent in a foreign tongue, when here we have our own language, our own words, that better embody the essence of what we feel or think. 

I myself am not as fluent in Filipino as I would like to be. But I love this language nontheless. I simply find it beautiful, and it’s words like “love” and all its Filipino variations that affirm this feeling.

Because I love my hair the way it is. Always have, always will. :)